Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
