Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
