I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
