if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
