shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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