Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize