Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
