Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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