God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
