PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
