dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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