She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
