I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
