the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i believe in u and ur pee
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
