I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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