please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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