i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize