Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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