I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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