Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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