When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
