I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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