My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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