Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
