somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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