I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize