kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
