you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
