I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize