tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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