Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
