i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize