I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
