I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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