I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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