mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
