you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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