I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
