I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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