Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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