the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
