im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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