I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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