Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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