You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
