Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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