how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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