Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
