your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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