so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
