my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
