Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
