Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
