Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
