I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
