I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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