Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize