I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
