My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
