you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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