if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
