he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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