New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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